Art is the sex of the imagination.

The triumph of sugar over diabetes.

Drama - what literature does at night.

I drink to make other people interesting.

I drink so the others become interesting.

Beauty makes idiots sad and wise men merry.

Love demands infinitely less than friendship.

Men go to the theatre to forget; women, to remember.

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.

Opening Night: The night before the play is ready to open.

Criticism is the art of appraising others at one's own value.

An actor without a playwright is like a hole without a doughnut.

Shaw writes plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.

Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few.

Musicals are to the theater what wines are to a substantial dinner.

Bad officials are the ones elected by good citizens who do not vote.

The path of sound credence is through the thick forest of skepticism.

A man admires a woman not for what she says, but what she listens to.

A man's wife is his compromise with the illusion of his first sweetheart.

Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles.

Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness.

It is only the cynicism that is born of success that is penetrating and valid.

An abstainer is the sort of man you wouldn't want to drink with even if he did.

What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency.

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

Sex touches the heavens only when it simultaneously touches the gutter and the mud.

Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.

A ham is simply any actor who has not been successful in repressing his natural instincts.

Great drama is the souvenir of the adventure of a master among the pieces of his own soul.

Like everybody else, when I don't know what else to do, I seem to go in for catching colds.

To speak of morals in art is to speak of legislature in sex. Art is the sex of the imagination.

A man may be said to love most truly that woman in whose company he can feel drowsy in comfort.

Whenever a man encounters a woman in a mood he doesn't understand, he wants to know if she's tired.

Impersonal criticism?is like an impersonal fist fight or an impersonal marriage, and as successful.

What passes for woman's intuition is more often intrinsically nothing more than man's transparency.

It is also said of me that I now and then contradict myself. Yes, I improve wonderfully as time goes on.

I have yet to find a man worth his salt in any direction who did not think of himself first and foremost.

Politics is the diversion of trivial men who, when they succeed at it, become important in the eyes of more trivial men.

The dramatic critic who is without prejudice is on the plane with the general who does not believe in taking human life.

All one has to do to gather a large crowd in New York is to stand on the curb a few minutes and gaze intently at the sky.

In the theatre, a hero is one who believes that all women are ladies, a villain one who believes that all ladies are women.

Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men, as they grow older, rely more and more on a sense of humor.

So long as there is one pretty girl left on the stage, the professional undertakers may hold up their burial of the theater.

Hollywood is ten million dollars worth of intricate and high ingenious machinery functioning elaborately to put skin on baloney.

A broken heart is a monument to a love that will never die; fulfillment is a monument to a love that is already on its deathbed.

A life spent in constant labor is a life wasted, save a man be such a fool as to regard a fulsome obituary notice as ample reward.

The bachelors admired freedom is often a yoke, for the freer a man is to himself the greater slave he often is to the whims of others.

All that is necessary to raise imbecility into what the mob regards as profundity is to lift it off the floor and put it on a platform.

The most loyal and faithful woman indulges her imagination in a hypothetical liaison whenever she dons a new street frock for the first time.

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