Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.
Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
That's nothing - my alarm clock is set for eight.
Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.
Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.
And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!
Patience is the art of finding something else to do.
A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.
Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
That's bad luck: three on a midget. From "At The Circus
Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books
If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
I shall drink no # wine before it's time! OK, it's time.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.
Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.
I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns
I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while