Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.-Groucho Marx A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.
I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.
You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!
Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.
One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference.
Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life
Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.
If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.
Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added
Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'
The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.
If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.
Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.
Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.
This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.
I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.
Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.
Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.
The months before my son was born, I used to yell from night to morn, 'Whatever it is, I'm against it! No matter what it is or who commenced it, I'm against it!'
You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.
I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.
I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me." "What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.
This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.
Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.
The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It's been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven't got a camel, but I think it's a great idea.
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.
Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: "Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."