Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.
Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while
Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"
Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.
Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood
I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing
When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself
Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.
Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket
A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.
The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.
I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.
There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.
To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.
If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me
I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.
Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.
The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.
There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.