Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Gags die, humor doesn't.
Modesty is my best quality.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.
Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.
How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.
I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.
I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.
When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.
I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.
Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.
I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.
I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.
When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!
I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.
Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.
Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.
As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.
I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.