Quotes by Jacob M. Appel - Page 1

Life is nasty, brutish, and short. Death is easy.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Easy
Life Is
Nasty
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Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
People
Revenge
Winning
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Even a poor tour guide is entitled to some happiness.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Guides
Poor
Tour Guides
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Nothing sells tombstones like a Girl Scout in uniform.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Girl
Tombstone
Uniforms
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Nothing spices up one's sex life like having a partner.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Partners
Sex
Spices
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The boss is never your friend, even if you're sleeping with him.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Boss
Ifs
Sleep
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I used to dream of true love; now I'm open to false, but convincing.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Dream
Convincing
Used
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Be optimistic. Always put on clean underwear if you're going on a date.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Optimistic
Clean Underwear
Ifs
Underwear
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If God wanted teenagers to be abstinent, puberty would begin at twenty.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Teenager
Twenties
Wanted
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Patriotism is being convinced your country is better because you were born in it.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Born
Convinced
Country
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Never make enemies of anyone younger or healthier than you are. They write your history.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Enemy
Writing
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Catholic extremism should be resisted as fiercely at home as we oppose the Taliban abroad.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Home
Catholic
Should
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I can handle being married for my money; it's being married for my life insurance that gives me pause.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Give Me
Giving
Married
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If you give a man a hammer, he thinks he can solve all problems by pounding. Well, God gave men penises.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Men
Giving
Thinking
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Most people are far more concerned that they can control their own bodies than they are about petitioning Congress.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Body
Congress
People
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The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Difficult
Persuading
Sex
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If freedom means anything at all, it is the right to primacy in regard to sexuality, reproduction, medical care and death.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Medical
Care
Mean
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A free society, to be truly worthy of that name, owes healthy, competent individuals the right to end their lives on their own terms.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Healthy
Individual
Names
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Always warm up the audience with a joke....If you are not a particularly funny person, make sure that you inform them that it's a joke.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Audience
Jokes
Persons
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I would prefer to believe that a market in fetal organs would empower women to use their reproductive capabilities to their own economic advantage.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Believe
Empowering
Use
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A century ago, people laughed at the notion that we were descended from monkeys. Today, the individuals most offended by that claim are the monkeys.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Monkeys
People
Today
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This is how most stories end in the hospital. Not with crash carts and sirens and electric shocks to the chest, but with an empty room, a crisp white bed, silence.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Electric Shock
Empty Rooms
White
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Such is the demographic paradox of a junior physician's relationship with his patients: I worry about how to extend their lives. This anxiety inevitably shortens my own.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Anxiety
Physicians
Worry
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I am grateful that I have rights in the proverbial public square - but, as a practical matter, my most cherished rights are those that I possess in my bedroom and hospital room and death chamber.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Grateful
Rights
Squares
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There is a fundamental difference, however, between asking to be permitted to keep a vegetative relative on costly machinery, and asking the taxpayers or society as a whole to pay for such machinery.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Asking
Differences
Fundamentals
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Maybe life involves the pairing of unsuitable people, those who wait and those who keep others waiting, and the key to happiness is finding the one person with whom you share the same internal chronometer.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Finding The One
Keys
People
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Maybe that is the greatest of wonders: that we can be shaped so much by those we've known closely, and equally by those we've never known at all - and that we too can change the world long after we've left it.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Long
Wonder
World
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The most dangerous ideas are not those that challenge the status quo. The most dangerous ideas are those so embedded in the status quo, so wrapped in a cloud of inevitability, that we forget they are ideas at all.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Challenges
Clouds
Dangerous Ideas
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Much as constitutional guarantees of press freedom do little good for prospective publishers if they do not have access to paper or ink, the right to aid in dying is strikingly useless if nobody is willing to help.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Dying
Guarantees
Ink
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Marriage is like a series of opposing reflections, inverse images getting ever smaller like nesting dolls, each one of your trying to squeeze yourself smaller to fit inside the hopes of the other, until one of you cracks or stops existing.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Dolls
Reflection
Trying
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Victory [over homophobia] may require five or maybe 20 years. Yet I have no doubt that "don't ask, don't tell" and same-sex adoption bans will be as unspeakable and inexplicable to my grandchildren as counting a slave as three-fifths of a human being.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Grandchildren
Sex
Years
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The cold, cruel reality is that with one current justice now approaching ninety, and four others over seventy, the day will inevitably arrive when a sitting justice lies in an intensive care unit, both unable to resign and unable to resume his or her duties.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Justice
Lying
Reality
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Much as we do not permit convicted pedophiles to teach kindergarten or convicted hijackers to board airplanes, common sense dictates that individuals who have been imprisoned for plotting violence against abortion clinics should never again be permitted anywhere near such facilities.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Abortion
Airplane
Common Sense
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Depression and hopelessness are not the only reasons terminally ill patients wish to end their lives. Many individuals see nothing undignified about choosing to end their lives at the time and manner of their choosing - and many view such a choice as the meaningful culmination of a good life.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Good Life
Meaningful
Views
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I suspect that the vast majority of people, not knowing in advance whether they will either end up in a permanently vegetative state or be diagnosed with cancer, would prefer that any resources that would be spent on PVS care be reallocated to cancer research - or some similar enterprise that has the potential to help human beings who might actually recover.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Cancer
Knowing
People
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Money spent on vegetative patients is money not spent on preventive care, such as flu shots and mammograms. Each night in an ICU bed for such patients is a night that another patient with a genuine prognosis for recovery is denied such high-end care. Every dollar exhausted on patients who will never wake up again is a dollar not devoted to finding a cure for cancer.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Cancer
Night
Recovery
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While the visible victims may draw the headlines and attract indignant protests from so-called "pro-life" organizations, the invisible victims are people like you and me who will suffer from diseases that are never cured because funds are being poured down a healthcare sieve in order to maintain permanently-unconscious bodies on complex and costly forms of life support.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Order
Organization
People
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Know your load. That's rule numero uno in this business, which is why I make them count the penguins out in front of me one at a time. I'm not going to be the schmuck who shows up in Orlando twobirds short of a dinner party....I know I'm pulling out of Houston with exactly forty-two Gentoo penguins, seventeen Jamaican land iguanas, four tuataras from New Zealand, and a pair of rare, civet-like mammals called linsangs. No more, no less.
Jacob M. Appel / Author
Land
Party
Two
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Jacob M. Appel Quotes - Page 1

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