Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
True Yankees are born, not made.
I don't have a nine-to-five brain.
If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.
I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.
You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.
I think stand-up's, the older they get, the better they get.
Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.
Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.
I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.
I don't care about anybody's perception of me except for the audience.
There seems to be a weird ceiling to being a stand-up as far as acting.
'Christopher Walken' is my "Hotel California," but I've done it so much
If anyone thinks my show was 'pretty good,' then I've completely failed.
Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?
Yogi Berra put it best, "If people don't want to come, we can't stop them."
If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.
People that do "bits" and "jokes" or "one-liners" are going by the wayside.
People are more interested in someone who goes on stage and tells the truth.
She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.
I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.
Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.
The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.
Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.
First of all, my wife writes half my act. I don't know how I could "steal" from my wife.
I'm oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone.
You can vibe out when people are getting tired or they're too drunk to keep going along with.
As far as in my career, I don't know what other form there is. I would love to do a talk show.
My radio show, I'd show up, I'd read the data, and I would have sound bites and stuff like that.
What's great about stand-up unlike athletes and other things when you get old you get old and rusty.
Joan Rivers is 80 and she's fantastic. She lives in mortal fear of not filling that 1,500-seat room.
I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.
George Carlin put it best. He said, "My old act was so easy to do because there was so little of me in it."
If it's going to really make them happy for me to do it, I'll do Walken. I've got no problem with it at all.
I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it.
You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.
When I'm home I'm in much more of a routine like I said, which I like. On the road everything gets flip-flopped.
I know content-wise I leave nothing to chance. I have no anxiety about what I'm going to do once I'm out on stage.
This is NOT a pretty good business. You cannot be pretty good and be a national headliner. That becomes the allure.
I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?
I realized early I can manipulate the ceiling in the middle class. The allure becomes how far I can make the ceiling rise.
The first time I watched [Keith] Olbermann, his opening monologue, I completely changed the way I approached my radio show.
I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry.
It's very good to know when you're being lapped on the racetrack, 'cause you've got to put your foot down on the pedal and get going.
I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.
What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.
If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.
I'm going to eventually shoot my own special, because you have to own your own content. My Turn (2003), that's never been released on DVD.
When I watch like The Office I'm fascinated because most of America works in an environment where they see the same eight people every day.
I don't know how you do it [working at office]; I would just get up and walk out. That's what I did for pretty much every job I've ever had.
When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.