Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Humor that is edgy is never squeaky clean.
You have such a huge career ... behind you.
South Park called...they want their everything back.
If you keep looking backwards, you don't go anywhere.
Occasionally a roast master needs to get out of Dodge.
Maybe I'm corny, but I'm a big believer in second chances.
I usually have sex to my stand-up comedy album. Power move.
I don't think you cross the line - I think you move the line.
Nobody likes a bad sport, no matter what the circumstances are.
Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.
The good thing about a jail show is nobody gets up and walks out.
Comics just don't retire. They either die young or they go to 100.
I would vote for you for President but I'm against big government.
How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?
Before you can be all deprecating it's helpful to be self-deprecating.
I like to roast things from the inside out. I like to know what's going on.
Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?
Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.
My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.
I want the roast to be like a party where everybody goes and has a good time.
Life is tough, and if we don't laugh, we're going to - our head will explode.
You don't mess with Oprah. She has enough money in her left pocket to have me killed.
Comedians second-guessing themselves is scary. Poor taste is not a crime and we can't forget that.
I'm not hurting anybody. Comedy's all about innuendo. I'm putting it out there just like anybody else.
I can't defend someone else's jokes. I can only defend my jokes, and I have to live with my own jokes.
It's up to comedians to shine the light on what's wrong in the world, and we don't want things swept under the rug.
Athletes tend to have less of a sense of humor than most people. They are heroes to so many. That might be part of it.
The real question is how do you stay funny in your 70s and 80s? And that's a real accomplishment, you know, the longevity.
When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.
It's very rare that an older comedian sort of slips into an old-school clunker. You know, you don't hear too much of that anymore.
Last time I was in Canada Celine Dion had just given birth to identical twins. Which is quite an achievement given her age and face.
I'm a big fan of Courtney Love. I love Hole and I love her acting and I love her attitude. I just hope I never meet her in a dark alley.
I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.
Ninety percent of all prisoners in all jails get out some day. So why not give them a little levity in what's otherwise a very dark life?
As soon as you start analyzing comedy is when the world starts to fall apart, and we're second guessing it. And we are way too sensitive.
It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.
My best friend is disabled. There's nothing he hates more than being left out of the jokes, to be treated with kid gloves. That's the insult.
I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.
My own personal rule is to tell jokes that I think the person I'm making them about can laugh at, to go home and tell their family, oh, my gosh.
I was the kid who always hung back and then dropped the jokes when you least expected it. Timing was everything. My mouth sort of developed over time.
I'm pretty careful about the things I say ahead of time. I'm thoughtful about not going too far. The only thing you can do occasionally is be too much.
Bad taste is not illegal. I always got my first laughs as a kid by saying inappropriate things. That's always how we're going to get our laughs as comics.
I think comics should test people, I think it's our job to go too far. That way we know as a society what too far is. Where else are you going to hear it?
I think it's important for comedians to do our little part. I don't do it carelessly. I do it thoughtfully. I don't try to just shock. I try to make a statement.
My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.
People love to see public figures get taken down a notch, and by the same token, everyone loves to be the center of attention, even when there's a target on their forehead.
There are no subtleties in a war zone. I think that's why comedy does so well there. It goes right for the gut. So those punch lines start penetrating the bullet-proof vests.
As soon as a roast is announced, I get everybody - family, friends, waitresses, cab drivers - giving me jokes about the person getting roasted. I'm the mouthpiece for the masses.
Most people, when they think of an insult, they keep it to themselves. But you wouldn't believe the things people say on my Twitter feed, and I'm a nice guy. Imagine if I was a jerk.
Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.