Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.
I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup?
I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.
There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.
Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.
Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.
I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.
If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.
Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.
Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.
A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.
Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.
I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
There's a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic.
On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'
There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me.
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?
What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.