Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.
I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.
Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It's a force for good or evil. It's no different from money. It's power.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.
We got the hot fudge on the bottom.... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream.
What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine?
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.
When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options.
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!
The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!'
Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?
I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.
Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have
Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.
As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that.
What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
There is no more embarrassing thing in my life than the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, 'I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.'
Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.
Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.
I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.
See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.
There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.
We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light goes on.
Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.
Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it."
The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.
What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'
You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.