Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Say what you want about the deaf.
I don't see myself as offending people.
Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.
How many airports are there in the world?
I pay what I have to and not a penny more.
When someone close to you dies, move seats.
People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?
Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.
Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.
The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol
Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.
Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.
More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.
There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.
A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.