Quotes by Jimmy Carr - Page 2

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Add
People
Writing
Copy Quote
I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Add
Fat
Basically
Cater
Copy Quote
They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Credit
Crunch
Let Go
They Say
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In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Tomatoes
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Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Girlfriend
Sex
Copy Quote
I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Cake
Successful
Thinking
Copy Quote
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Girl
Humor
Copy Quote
When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Dinner
House
People
Copy Quote
If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Dying
Mosquitoes
Years
Copy Quote
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Dad
Humor
Copy Quote
Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Phones
Sex
Tunnels
Copy Quote
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Workout
Copy Quote
Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Believe
Dog
Sex
Copy Quote
As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Comedy
Firsts
Marketing
Copy Quote
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Summer
Copy Quote
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Men
Copy Quote
I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Book
Our Time
Parent
Reading
Reading Books
Hour
Time Reading
Wasting
Copy Quote
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Awards
Excitement
Winning
Wonder
Insurance
Copy Quote
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Breakfast
Giving
Hotel
Luxury
Luxury Hotels
Room Service
Yorkshire
Stay
Gives
Hall
Room
Service
Copy Quote
I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Marriage
Christian
Self
Self Confident
Sex
Uptight
Bit
Copy Quote
It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Buzz
Laughing
People
Social
Thousand
Two
Great People Laugh
Great People More
Great People Group
Group
Laugh
Room
Tend
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All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Audacity
Comedian
Different
Copy Quote
Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Coffee
Perfect
Population
Weekend
Pint
Properly
Copy Quote
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Book
Girlfriend
Copy Quote
After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Wisdom
Granny
Hotel
Late Night
Night
Pizza
Watches
Words Of Wisdom
Words
Show
Cancel
Watch
Gig
Head
Instead
Jonathan
Remembering
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I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
People
Pubs
Stories
Copy Quote
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Cycling
Copy Quote
I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Book
France
Rough
Saws
School
Yeah
Front
Guide
Holding
Trip
Copy Quote
The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Jobs
Approval
Comedian
Disorder
Personality
Tragedy
Comedians
Liked
Desperately
Seek
Personality Disorder
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It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Comedian
Cutting
Laughing
People
Reflex
Whereby
Copy Quote
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Cancer
Copy Quote
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Moving
Copy Quote
I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Class
Comedian
Juvenile
Rude
Type
Writing
Mine
Plan
Yes
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Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Culture
Wife
World
Copy Quote
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Children
Self Esteem
Copy Quote
I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Dog
Ideas
Thinking
Farm
Limiting
Prevent
Copy Quote
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Fall
Copy Quote
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
People
Thinking
Three
Copy Quote
I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the ground. If they start taking themselves too seriously, they're heading for a fall.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Fall
Feet
Thinking
Copy Quote
If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Home
Clock
Eight
Evening
Weekend
Copy Quote
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Girl
Humor
Copy Quote
But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Opposites
Overwhelming Desire
People
Copy Quote
You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Different
Disability
Race
World
Experience World Your
Comics
Copy Quote
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Kids
Humor
Copy Quote
I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Life
Faith
Achieve
Animalistic
Catholic
Coincidence
Live Life
Lost
Religious
Religious Faith
Thinking
Any
Back
Somewhere
Same
Manned
Rather
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My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Dad
Sex
Copy Quote
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
Jimmy Carr / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Girlfriend
Copy Quote

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Jimmy Carr Quotes - Page 2

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