Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't really talk to people.
I don't mean to hate people, I just get forced into it.
I've never said I have OCD, as I haven't been diagnosed.
I really like stews: everything in a bowl boiled down right to its essence.
I love paying tax so much, the sight of a gritter lorry gives me an erection.
I'm still very much a Northerner. I try to have chips and gravy twice a week.
I think a pessimist is just an optimist who has had their heart repeatedly broken.
I don't think I'd have any friends if I didn't obscure at least 99% of my thoughts.
I like small parties with people I know. I like eating pizza at home with my girlfriend.
Why do fools fall in love? I'll tell you why, because everybody else has simply got too much else to do.
When I'm filming a documentary, I feel like I should be the straight man, watching with a raised eyebrow.
I don’t need someone to complete me, I need someone to make things a little bit better every now and again.
Anyone who tells you that it is better to have loved and lost that to never loved at all has never done both.
I try not to listen to the other comedians performing before me because they will probably be funnier than me.
I get quite frustrated about a lot of things on a day-to-day basis. I can't help it; it is an impulse with me.
It is so much easier to grieve for the dead than to care for the living. At least in death we are all perfect.
I've had a lot of compulsions throughout my life which mainly started as a teen around the time I was doing exams.
Having a child has been the most unexpected privilege, as I spent so long on my own thinking it would never happen.
I shouldn't still be working out how to be misanthropic singleton comic when I'm 60. I should have moved on by then.
To say I wasn't such a hit with the ladies would be a very kind way of putting it. I was a slow burner, shall we say.
In reality, as a comedian, you're successful because you're funny, and you should be able to be funny about anything.
I'm all about the slapstick, generally. If you fell off it, into it, or through it, I'm probably nearby wetting myself.
I'm very lucky to be a comedian, and I feel privileged that people come to see me in the expectation that I will make them laugh.
There are things I wouldn't do when hosting, like get people up on stage or get the audience doing a sing-song or something like that.
There are many problems with being a comedian: the travel, the late nights, the pressure, the fear of running out of funny things to say.
People associate me with being pernickety and down. In the past, I was guilty of keeping myself like that just to maintain my comic persona.
If I'm with someone, I want them to be perfectly happy all the time. That, for me, would be the reason you would devote yourself to one person.
I think more people should worry about where they store things in the fridge. I don't think people are on top of separating raw and cooked ingredients.
The best thing about being a comedian is that, unlike the other jobs I've had, none of the bad things seem to matter because it's the best job in the world.
I love the privilege of looking back on my life every three years, turning it into a comedy show, and sharing it with an audience. It's incredibly cathartic.
I got shingles on the day of the EU referendum. It's good to see that my stress has got worse as I've got older and that now there is a physical element to it!
I remember a night when I was living in Swindon on my own, and I couldn't sit on the couch because there were two cushions, and I couldn't sit equally between them.
I put a lot of effort into not upsetting people and trying to do things the right way, so I feel I can reserve the right to complain when I feel let down by others.
I know very well that I have no reason to feel aggrieved - I am fully aware of how lucky I am, but knowing it and still being down makes me hate myself all the more.
I refuse to believe that clubbing is how people are supposed to meet to establish relationships on a level for beyond what we consider to be a norm in modern society.
I'll be doing stand-up for the rest of my life. The opportunities that it grants you can't be denied. Stand-up is both the hardest thing I do and the thing I enjoy most.
Stand-up is still my job. That is the thing I wanted to get into when I was 21. You cannot beat the immediacy of it, making people laugh without any interruptions or edits.
I do enjoy doing the TV work, but I try to be careful not to do too much. Otherwise, you end up being recognised just for being on television rather than for your own stuff.
'One Leg Too Few' by Peter Cook is a perfect sketch. The setting is ridiculous, the language is beautiful, and the performances make the most of every syllable and movement.
I'm not building my life round not being able to bear the thought of being in my 60s and not having someone next to me when I wake up in the morning. That's not what drives me.
I need to recognise that everyone is an individual and that the key to a good relationship is to recognise that. This does theme to be a theme in my stand-up as well as my writing!
I think comedy can be a way of sugar-coating a pill that needs to be taken, and whatever I complain about onstage, I hope I justify the negativity by using humour to make the point.
If you don't wash dishes properly, you will get ill. And you will lose friends because they'll come to your house, you'll give them tea in a filthy cup, and they'll never see you again.
Comedy gigs are there because you are all in acceptance that the world is not the way it should be. You have to give yourself a break; otherwise, you would sit crying in a darkened room.
I'm almost always trying to be funny, even when I'm on my own. I think it's the desire to channel my anger and frustration into something more positive than sitting at home being unpleasant.
I always mention stacking the dishwasher - any opportunity. But it's the consequences - it's the food poisoning and the potential death that will come with not loading the dishwasher properly.
It would be nice to be a piece of toast. Everyone likes a piece of toast, don't they? No one is ever sad when you offer them a piece of toast, and if I could be that to someone, that would be nice.
Each show is a very honest portrayal of how I'm feeling that night. It can go off in any direction. The show is different every night, and that makes it much more exciting. Every evening is unique.
It doesn't mean you can't discuss important things, but I would never do a joke about cancer, just because I don't think any joke is funny enough to justify upsetting someone who is going through that.
I accept you can't achieve perfection all the time, but you can achieve perfection of intent, maybe. I don't think you can go into a relationship with anything other than the intention of it being perfect.