Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I was an awkward kid.
God is like a shitty girlfriend.
Life is full of horrible mistakes.
Misery is wasted on the miserable.
I don't have a brother in real life.
People don't talk to me on airplanes.
You can't direct without a good crew.
I love comedians. They're my community.
Everything that people say is testable.
I could never sit down and write jokes.
There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.
I like all ladies of all different ages.
Everything is amazing and nobody is happy
It's just a big excuse to say awful things.
To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.
Perception is created and twisted so quickly.
I definitely look at my body and I go: 'Yuck.'
I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now.
It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.
I would rather be with my kids than anybody else.
Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.
Expensive quality work doesn't cost more - it pays.
The ability to just sit there. That's being a person.
You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.
Stand-up is probably the most solo performance in art.
The only road to doing good shows, is doing bad shows.
If you can survive disappointment, nothing can beat you
Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.
I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do.
I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...
When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'
You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you.
Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.
I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.
Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.
I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.
You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.
I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.
You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.
Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about.
Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.
When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.
Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.
America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.
When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.
I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.
Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.
I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.
I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.
If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.