Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If elected, I will win.
I don't need adult supervision.
I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.
Deep down, I happen to be very shallow.
The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees.
As I've always said: The future lies ahead.
Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?
It's tough campaigning, kissing hands and shaking babies.
Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up.
We must remember that as the centuries go by, time will pass.
I am neither left wing nor right wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.
No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman.
If you're old enough to be arrested, you're old enough to carry a gun.
Sex doesn't have to be taught. It's something most of us are born with.
If Iowa is the 'heart' land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?
Worrying about the future is a thing of the past. I don't think about it.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself-and possibly teh bogey man.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman.
I think I'd make a pretty good president, and they have a great pension plan.
I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar.
On the issue of inflation, I think I could solve it no matter how much money it took.
A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?
Every child has a right to go to high school and end up with a third grade education.
Why should old people get [Social Security]? They just sit around all day doing nothing.
In opposition to sex education: Let the kids today learn it where we did - in the gutter.
Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It's too good for them.
In America, any boy can grow up to become president. Or, if he never grows up, vice president.
Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk.
Actually, my wine was served at the White House twice. Reagan must have been asleep when he ordered it.
So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye.
The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.
The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.
I'd learned some things. I knew you weren't supposed to hold a good wine at the top - the paper bag falls off.
I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it?
People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?'
In conclusion, you can see that there is a place for censors and we only wish that we could tell you where it is.
Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.'
Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.
I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat.
I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.'
You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.
Censorship does not interfere with the constitutional rights of every American to sit alone in a dark room in the nude and cuss.
Only 10 percent of the people in the U.S. like dry wines. You shouldn't get down on people just because they like a little sugar.
They said I ignored the drug problem. Well, I gave speeches on drugs, I wrote books on drugs. I did darn near everything on drugs!
I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation. Among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.
Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.
All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.
I want to caucus in Iowa. I'll caucus all over the state. I don't caucus in California. You don't caucus where you live. It doesn't look good.