Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Congress: Bingo with billions.
I left home because I was hungry.
I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em.
I only come to life when there are people watching.
Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce
I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.
Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.
God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being.
His death was the first time that Ed Wynn ever made anyone sad.
Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.
I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.
If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin
Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.
No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.
Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.
I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.
I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away.
It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.
Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.
Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.
I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.
Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?
You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.
Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.
You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose -- to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.
Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
I just want to be known as a clown because to me, that's the height of my profession. It means you can do everything - sing, dance and, above all, make people laugh.
Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.
Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '
If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.
People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.
When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, water, and earth. We sit and think of five of the nicest things we can about the person who hurt us. If he hurts us a second time, we do the same thing. The third time, we light a candle, and he is, for us, dead.