Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.