Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!