Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.