Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Like most comedians, I have crippling low self-esteem, so I always think that what I've just done is rubbish.
I don't want to do a rabidly left-wing show. I think it's much more interesting to turn the knife on yourself.
In the summer Regent's Park is one of the best places in the world with every nationality playing every sport.
But I did break my mum's heart, because I turned down 'Strictly' twice. I just couldn't do it. It's not for me.
I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.
Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.
I've been doing stand-up for 15 years and I've never even been invited to the Comedy Awards! How mental is that?
I'd been writing jokes since I was 16, not very good ones though, but I was always trying to make my mates laugh.
I don't really have a political agenda, I just like things to be fair - I get angered by pomposity and privilege.
If you want any attention in the Howard household, you have to shout quite loudly and try to develop a personality.
I'm trying to write a film with my friend. I'd love to get the thrill of speaking actors making my work even funnier.
I always found it strange, when I went round to other people's houses for tea and that, how strict their parents were.
I think you just have to be comfortable in your own skin, and when I do stand-up or the show I'm in a really good mood.
Question Time' is a nice forum for reasoned political debate. There's no point having me on there trying to crack jokes.
Because I don't wear a suit, and have such a horrible boy band face, people assume that I'm not doing satirical material.
If you're doing 70 gigs in a tour, there's a lot of responsibility. People need a big night out, and you're providing it.
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
Real life is hard. I'm sorry, but shopping at Tesco is not as much fun as writing jokes for TV shows, and I struggle with it.
I'm a very early riser on holiday. I am invariably down at the pool on a sun lounger even before anyone can put a towel on one.
I find it really weird, when I'm shopping in Tesco, the amount of times I have people like: 'What you doing in here? You're famous!'
I bought my mum a car, and I bought my brother one of those hoverboards for Christmas, and I bought my family a holiday to Australia.
If the front-page news is a comedian doing a joke that people think is naughty, that proves there's no real news that day, does it not?
When you are doing stand up, it is the most glorious hour, when you are an X-Men version of yourself, with lasers coming out of your eyes.
I think all our leaders are utterly beneath us. You just watch 'Prime Minister's Questions' and go: 'How is this the best that we've got?'
She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".
If I was to get into Twitter I'd expose myself to people who adore me or people who absolutely hated me. Neither of those are useful to my soul.
If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.
I've reached the age of 32 with little wisdom, I'm afraid. It's tragic. I still have to turn to my mum and dad for every decision I make in life.
Audiences around the world are all pretty similar. People just rock up and want to have a laugh, although Americans whoop more than English crowds.
My life is quite normal and for me it helps with my comedy. If you jump headlong into celebrity life it affects who you are and what you talk about.
I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.
I wanna be incidental characters in 'Only Fools and Horses,' that would have been good. I wouldn't mind playing Trigger, Trigger would have been good.
The hit rap duo Kris Kross wore their trousers backwards, in the Nineties, and I wore my trousers backwards to a school disco. It led to some bullying.
These are strange times. I'm 37 and this is the weirdest the world's ever felt. There's a right-wing, nationalistic anger sweeping through Europe and America.
Genuinely, the first gig I did when I was 18, it felt like the world shifted. I realised that I had stumbled upon a mechanism through which you could view life.
I found out recently that my 'Good News' show has a big following in North Korea and the Vatican City! Who knew Kim Jong-un and the Pope liked fast-paced satire?
The last thing you want to do is preach to the converted. What you want to do is talk about issues from a non-political point of view, from a human point of view.
Mumbai was magical, which I was really surprised by, and I got an insight into the world of Bollywood while hanging out with some Bollywood film stars while there.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.
Your country becomes funnier the further you are from it. I remember seeing Boris Johnson on the news when I was in Hong Kong, and he looked so much more ridiculous.
It's really frustrating when you write a show and it's really funny and someone and from Standards and Decency says, 'You can't put that in because it has a naughty word.'
Everything I experience in life, I put through the sausage-maker that is comedy, and then try to make it funny for others. Whether that is healthy or not remains to be seen.
Los Angeles feels empty and overrated. I struggle with it as a holiday destination. It's the sort of place where you need to know some locals, otherwise it just feels so empty.
I get panic attacks about dying, it's terrible. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and my brain goes 'you're going to die, you're going to die, you're going to die.'
It's a bit of a cliche but throughout London, even in places like Notting Hill, you'll see utter luxury alongside council flats - it shows the tapestry of life and I adore that.
At a gig in Liverpool I had this lady give me 21 cup cakes she had made herself. It's not really rock'n'roll is it? Tom Jones gets pants thrown at him and I get given fairy cakes.
I buy a lot of Liverpool trinkets. I've got Philippe Coutinho's boot - I spent three grand on that. Which, you know, is insane. But it's Philippe Coutinho's boot, what you gonna do?
Chappelle is incredible. He is comfy on stage and he talks about big things and small things. He's a version of himself. That's what I've always wanted to be and hopefully I still am.
Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!
There's a lot of brilliant comics who are amazing, but you can see them doing the same 20 minutes that they were doing five years ago, verbatim. I think that doesn't lend itself to progressing.