Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Death by rats would be the worst.
I've never said flange to a monkey!
I would just like to be remembered.
I never really wanted to be on telly.
Seinfeld' was never a show in the U.K.
Oddly, I am really cool under pressure.
I'm not a particularly ambitious person.
Neither me or my wife are any good at cooking.
My Mum is not used to being in-front of camera.
I love Dublin and the locals are extraordinary.
I'm not really a cake man. I'm more a savoury guy.
When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.
Portland is incredible. It's the most amazing place.
Most comics' first gig is either brilliant or horrific.
Doing the O2 Arena in London in 2011 was pretty awesome.
Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?
Mum's side of the family are daft, beautiful and brilliant.
'Monty Python' was never on TV in the U.K. when I was a kid.
What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!
Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!
This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!
I just don't care what people like Lily Allen think about stuff.
Whenever the word 'weird' is mentioned it can only be an insult.
The Bible says gays arent natural. What, and a talking snake is?!
I just assume a lot of people hate me. You just have to suck it up.
I'm one of the people who actually laughs at everyone else's jokes!
What do you know when you're 19? I was just stomping around doing gigs.
I don't like doing things badly, that just feels like a waste of a day.
I buck the trend: I eat avocados on a Sunday morning and I'm a homeowner.
The number of old ladies who've beaten me up on TV is absolutely ridiculous.
The strange thing about people considering me upbeat is that I'm really not.
You can make bleak things funny but if you're glib about it, it doesn't work.
The British Museum is great for seeing how excellent we were at stealing things.
Tommy Tiernan is an Irish comic who I believe is one of the finest in the world.
I'm really not into technology at all. My brother has to plug the Xbox in for me.
I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade
Sometimes I skip breakfast, pop to the butcher and get sunburned while cooking meat.
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!
Britain is perceived as a laughing stock and a mess. It's a very scary and divided place.
I'll sit down for 'Stranger Things' or 'The Handmaid's Tale' - or a really good documentary.
I just couldn't do a comedy show about 'The History Of Dinosaurs;' I'd get bored too easily.
'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'
I worked in a watercress bed, picking weeds out of watercress when I was at school. It was awful.
I did a stand-up performance on Conan O'Brian, which was great, but it's not for me. I prefer England.
Whenever I come to Ireland, I end up just bantering with the crowd so the show will just be what it is.
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'
Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."
I don't want to be one of those comics who says, 'Hey, what's wrong with air travel?' and stuff like that.
I broke my wrist on TV trying to do a one-armed push-up. A lot of people delight in pointing this out to me.