Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have lived a carnal life.
Everything can be satirized.
What happened? Satan was busy?
I'm attracted to heartbreakers.
I'd rather entertain people than offend them.
I'm not going to give up the shock part of my comedy.
I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.
Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
I'm so tired of men who are afraid to hurt women's feelings.
It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.
How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?
Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.
Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.
I'm a comedian, and my comedy has never endorsed violence towards gays.
AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.
You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.
I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock n roll and ex-wives. In that order.
If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.
I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock 'n' roll and ex-wives. In that order.
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.
There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.
My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!
John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.
I want to show people that there's a side of myself other than just the outrageous comedian.
Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.
It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!
Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'
You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?
When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.
Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!
I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.
Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid.
I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't.
So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.
Just because I do a few comedy bits about gay people, that does not mean I'm out there promoting some anti-gay cause.
Ive never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.
I've never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.
Anyone can go out on stage and start beating people over the head with rubber chickens. That'll get people's attention.
Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.
I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!
Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.
Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!
What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not?
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.
With any other celebrity, people come up and say, 'Hey, I really like your work.' But with my fans, when they see me, they don't even say hello. They just go, 'AWWWWWGHGHHHGHGHRRR!'
So many of these comics are just frustrated singers or actors - they want to get a gig doing a sitcom. It's paint-by-the-numbers comedy, lame joke-telling. They're drawn to it as a career move.
Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.