Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When I was 17, I read a profile of Carol Leifer. Since then, I wanted to be her. I still want to be her.
If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny.
By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured performer on Saturday Night Live.
My growing up years, we watched 'Happy Days,' every night. I don't know what was reruns and what was new.
When I came out to L. A., I got a part in an episode of 'Star Trek: Voyager,' and I hired an acting coach.
I started out in clubs, and I've always liked clubs. I like theaters because people are there for the show.
I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.
It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it.
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
I think I've been called edgy - but in all honestly, there is a safety in what I do because I'm always the idiot.
Sometimes a joke that doesn't work just needs a breath or a little word or the tiniest little change to be fixed.
People say, like, "I love when you smile because part of your mouth goes up," then I never organically smile again.
If I were somebody else looking at my character, I'd be like, "She's beautiful." I'm practicing. I'm not succeeding.
The reason the rest of us remember, like, when John Lennon died, is because it's a moment when adrenaline is surging.
I didn't feel so different until maybe, like, around third grade. Kids started blaming me for my people killing Jesus.
I'm not wanting and I don't live in a hovel, but if you keep your costs low, you can do what you want to do creatively.
Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.
The worst thing that can happen for people who don't want women to be strong is that we help each other and become a force.
Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
I am Jewish and proud of this culturally and ethnically - the ways in which I was born this way and am happy with whom I am.
We live in a fun time with so many ways to express yourself, you would be crazy to be a comedian and not check them all out.
The audience works as such a mob. They either all laugh or all don't laugh, and, you know, changes from audience to audience.
I don't get this shitty attitude that only gays should care about gay issues and only women should care about women's issues.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
My mom was always someone who if, even now, I say I met a certain famous person, she always says, "She's married to so and so!"
I don't think half my stuff would be funny if the audience didn't feel at least a little bit safe that it's not how I truly feel.
Earlier in my career, I was really tight, really together, and knew who I was and I was confident. I kind of feel in between now.
In the '80s especially, a lot of comedians felt compelled to stick with what made them famous and those people became caricatures.
I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?
If you take a shower with your boyfriend, I guarantee by the time you step out of that shower, your breasts will be sparkling clean.
I don't think comedy comes from hotbeds of doing shtick. I think it usually comes from some kind of childhood humiliation or darkness.
People can't help what topics cut them deep. It all depends on who's inferring - and what the contexts of their lives are at the time.
All comics want to be musicians. There's a part of me that wants to be a serious musician. I love songs about heartache and heartbreak.
I never want to be in a position where I have to defend my material. It's too subjective. It's for other people to defend or not defend.
I talk to friends who get their feelings hurt when they read Twitter mentions. I have an amazing solution - don't read Twitter mentions.
If you decide to do comedy that involves risk, risk means risk, and you can't complain of flesh wounds if you sit down at the table to play.
I'm a total one-hour drama addict. I think when you're a comedian, you tend towards dramas because that's the less stressful thing to watch.
Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of our fears and our feelings and more vocal about it.
When you’re a bed wetter there’s only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they’re hard to come by.
I can get a script and go, "Well, I'd rather do stand-up." I don't hold movies in higher regard. I love making videos and posting. I love TV.
Growing up, I always loved Disney movies, but the first movie I remember seeing is 'Sleepers,' so I wasn't really taken to children's movies.
If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.
When you're a comic, it's like being born gay. It's what you want to do every night when your other friends are out at night going to parties.
It's just hard to say, "Well, I do this, which means this." If I'm telling you exactly who I am, then there's nothing for the audience to say.
Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill.
I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.
One of the greatest things my therapist said to me ... and it really blew my mind in the greatest way, he just said, "Look in the mirror less."
As soon as a women gets to an age where she has opinions and she's vital and she's strong, she's systematically shamed into hiding under a rock.
We need to stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't.
People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!