Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy.
Psychology is the only necessary skill for running for president. Trump knows psychology.
Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.
If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.
People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.
It doesn't take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation.
Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor.
If free will exists, why do the tallest candidates with the best hair usually win elections ?
If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.
If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.
When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable.
This happens to me: I have this great idea and then I make the mistake of telling someone else.
Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there
Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto
I think you should live your life so that the maximum number of people will attend your funeral.
Success is entirely accessible, even if you happen to be a huge screw-up 95 percent of the time.
By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice it's difficult to sort them out.
Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.
Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.
I believe in karma... that means i can do bad things to you all day long and assume you deserve it.
I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero.
The main difference between marketing and fraud is that criminals have to pay for their own alcohol.
The day you realize that your efforts and rewards are not related, it really frees up your calendar.
Always remember that as long as other people are gullible, there's no limit to what you can achieve.
Great minds don't think alike. If they did, the Patent Office would only have about fifty inventions.
If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent.
The maintenance man is moving the thermostat in our office today. I started talking with him about the
The ability to work hard and make sacrifices comes naturally to those who know exactly what they want.
No matter how many times I visit New York City, I am always struck by the same thing - a yellow taxicab.
I have an endless stream of suggestions coming in from readers who are in cubicles. That keeps me going.
I discovered what I call the Bill Gates effect. That is, the more successful you are, the uglier you get.
In the future, it will become increasingly obvious that your competitors are just as clueless as you are.
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.
For the record, I am not a nut. I am an optimist. That's exactly like a nut except with a better attitude.
Never base your budget requests on realistic assumptions, as this could lead to a decrease in your funding.
The best you can hope for in this life is that your delusions are benign and your compulsions have utility.
If your boss gets drunk and offers to photocopy her posterior, do not helpfully suggest pressing reduce 75%.
Happiness is nothing but good health and freedom, and money is the single best way you can buy your freedom.
'Dilbert' became popular during the downsizing of the '90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Just because no one has ever gotten better from Spasmodic Dysphonia before doesn't mean I can't be the first.
Large corporations welcome innovation and individualism in the same way the dinosaurs welcomed large meteors.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.
Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.
Good ideas have no value because the world already has too many of them. The market rewards execution, not ideas.
If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.
Your inability to see other possibilities and your lack of vocabulary are your brain's limits, not the universe's.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.
Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it's never a good idea to put them in the same room.