I feel like dying when I'm helpless

Another fine mess you've gotten me into.

All I know is just how to make people laugh.

Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again!

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I don't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with Charles Chaplin.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

We had friendly and pleasant relationships with all that worked in our films - many happy memories.

My only opinion on the L&H 'home movie' situation - I regret we have no financial interest in them.

What business do we have telling people who to vote for? They probably know more about it than we do.

Sight gags had to be planned; they required timing and mechanics. Occasionally, spontaneity would arise in the shooting of the scenes.

It's the one with that panel of ultra-chichi folks. The one called 'What's My Line?' It sends me straight up the wall. I call it 'The Snob Family.'

Babe and I are both great television fans, and we've been planning to do something on TV. But we certainly never intended to start out on an unrehearsed network show!

We did have a script, but it didn't consist of the routines and gags. It outlined the basic story idea and just a plan for us to follow. But when it came to each scene, we and the gagmen would work out ideas.

We never dealt with satire or suggestive material. Although some of our films were broad parodies or burlesques of popular dramatic themes, there was no conscious attempt at being either sarcastic or offensive.

Personally, I think the silent films were more effective for L&H, but the sound was of great value in enhancing the effects - dialog eliminated a lot of action & sight gags - I always feel that 'action' speaks louder than words.

A friend once asked me what comedy was. That floored me. What is comedy? I don't know. Does anybody? Can you define it? All I know is that I learned how to get laughs, and that's all I know about it. You have to learn what people will laugh at, then proceed accordingly.

Anyone who thinks 'Modern Times' has got a big message is just putting it there himself. Charlie knew that the pressures of modern life and factory life would be good for a lot of laughs, and that's why he did the film - not because he wanted to diagnose the industrial revolution.

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