Quotes by Tom Segura - Page 1

I think I'm a decent person.
Tom Segura /
Decent
Person Think I Think
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I'm not the nicest guy on stage.
Tom Segura /
Stage
Nicest
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Vancouver just feels comfortable to me.
Tom Segura /
Vancouver
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I'm a sarcastic, observational storyteller.
Tom Segura /
Sarcastic
Observational
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Every person learns with time and experience.
Tom Segura /
Learns
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I've never been a big party guy or super social.
Tom Segura /
Guy
Party
Social
Super
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You should make travel as comfortable as possible.
Tom Segura /
Travel
Comfortable
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Traveling with kids is tough. My best advice is don't do it.
Tom Segura /
Advice
Tough
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Sleep is important for a comic - like it is for a lot of people.
Tom Segura /
Comic
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Standup is essentially part of your personality with the volume turned up.
Tom Segura /
Volume
Part
Essentially
Standup
Turned
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The thing for me is that my natural state is to be reserved and not share.
Tom Segura /
Reserved
Natural State
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When you're a comic doing a special, it's like you're directing your first movie.
Tom Segura /
Comic
Special
Directing
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I think being funny was a coping mechanism because I was always the new kid in school.
Tom Segura /
Being Funny
Coping
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I could see myself being on a TV show, but I think touring is something I'll always do.
Tom Segura /
Touring
Myself Always See
Tv Show
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It's fun when you've opened for someone at a venue, and then years go by, and now you're headlining.
Tom Segura /
Opened
Venue
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Here's some advice: if something really embarrassing happens to your kid, don't take it on national TV.
Tom Segura /
Advice
Embarrassing
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I wasn't the crazy kid bouncing off the walls, I would just sit back a make comments and I made people laugh.
Tom Segura /
Bouncing
Comments
Walls
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I've always worked toward, and felt comfortable with, you know, pausing and guiding the audience on a longer bit.
Tom Segura /
Comfortable
Pausing
Guiding
Longer
Toward
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I don't like big events and crowded areas. I'm almost a curmudgeonly old man in that aspect. I've been like that forever.
Tom Segura /
Aspect
Crowded
Forever
Old Man
Man Old Man Old
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Ninety percent of my material is made on stage, but I feel like you're missing something by abandoning sitting down to write entirely.
Tom Segura /
Missing
Ninety
Abandoning
Entirely
Ninety Percent
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I'm really happy when I'm actively creating things. When I'm frustrated and not excited, it's because I haven't written anything in a month or so.
Tom Segura /
Frustrated
Actively
Month
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It's okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don't want to be like them.
Tom Segura /
Disabled
Horrible
Jokes
Okay
Uncomfortable
Because
Make
Me People Uncomfortable
Them
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I don't want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again and know for sure that they're fatter than me.
Tom Segura /
Able
Fun
Healthy
Weight
Fat
Sure
Me Long Fun
Again
Fatter
Lose
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People will say, 'What's your favorite part of Cincinnati?' I'm like, 'I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I didn't go anywhere. I was a kid.'
Tom Segura /
Nine
Recess
Snacks
Anywhere
Favorite
Cincinnati
Liked
Favorite Part
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I don't switch my act up to win over the crowd. I'm more like, 'You came here... this is what I do.' I dig my heels in harder if I feel like they are not on board.
Tom Segura /
Heels
Board
Crowd
Dig
Switch
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When you tour as much as I do, you're always on the road, and you tend to gravitate toward cities where you're like, 'Every time I'm in that city, the shows are fun.'
Tom Segura /
Cities
Time Always Fun
Every Time
Gravitate
Road
Tend
Tour
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I'm definitely a jaded traveler, but you try to make the best of what you know about the experience. Like, I know how to pack a bag. I know that checking a bag is for rookies.
Tom Segura /
Jaded
Traveler
Bag
Checking
Pack
Rookie
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If you're going to wear a cowboy hat, you're going to have to go all the way. You should have livestock around you, settle all of your disputes with a pistol, and ride a horse absolutely everywhere.
Tom Segura /
Cowboy
Cowboy Hat
Disputes
Horse
Livestock
Should
Everywhere
Go
Absolutely
Going
Around
Hat
Wear
Pistol
Ride
Settle
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When you shoot a special, you have no idea what's going to happen, and the fact that I got to do the first one with Comedy Dynamics was a roll of the dice. It was a game changer for me professionally.
Tom Segura /
Comedy
Dice
Dynamics
No Idea
Special
Game
Idea
Fact
First One
Happen
Shoot
Professionally
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I know there are a lot of comics that put their kids all over social media, but I think it's weird. There are over 100,000 people following you. To me, it feels like you should probably tone that down.
Tom Segura /
Feels
Following
Media
Social Media
Tone
Weird
Me Weird People
Social Media Me People
Comics
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You get such a visceral thrill driving a race car. You think you've driven, and then you're like, 'Oh, I was doing something for 20 years that I didn't realize I hadn't experienced the real version of.'
Tom Segura /
Car
Driven
Race
Race Car
Thrill
Visceral
Version
Oh
Experienced
Realize
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I was about 17 or 18 years old, and Chris Rock's 'Bring the Pain' came out, and I was obsessed. You know, it just hit on everything that was going on at that time and was such an in-the-moment special, and he knocked it out of the park.
Tom Segura /
Obsessed
Pain
Special
Hit
Bring
Came
Chris
Rock
Park
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A lot of times, you land in a city, and you're like, 'This is not my people.' I'm gonna do the show, but you don't feel like this is for you. And then, some places, you just go and just fall into a groove, and you're like, 'This feels right.'
Tom Segura /
Feels
Groove
City People Feel
Places
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I like my shame straight up and honest, and nobody does it better than In-N-Out Burger. You go to In-N-Out Burger, and they ask you the most shameful question in fast food. 'I'll have a burger, fries and a Coke.' 'Will you be eating in the car?' 'Yeah. I think so.'
Tom Segura /
Car
Coke
Eating
Fast Food
Fries
Honest
Shame
Shameful
Yeah
Ask
Does
Nobody
Burger
Fast
Straight
Question
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I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I'm ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I'll just pull them out whenever I'm feeling down, you know? All kinds. Korean ones. Chinese ones. Vietnamese - not so much. My dad was in the war, and I hold a grudge.
Tom Segura /
Dad
War
Asian
Baby
Chinese
Grudge
Rich
Trade
Vietnamese
Want
Just
Much
Babies
Out
Them
Closet
Full
Down
Ever
Feeling
Hold
Would
Pull
Whenever
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I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. That's a good boost to my day. You know, I'm eating, and I go, 'Oooohhh.' It's better a few moments later when you get to think about it, when you're like, 'Why did I just stop to take a deep breath? Oh yeah, my body also needs air.'
Tom Segura /
Air
Body
Boost
Deep Breath
Moments
Needs
Take A Deep Breath
Yeah
Eat
Go
Good Myself Always
Why
Get
Also
Good Myself Day
Did
Good Myself Better
Oh
Breath
Take
Day
Deep
Few
Later
Oh Yeah
Stop
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I think, to be a great conversationalist, you need to be interested in being in said conversation. Oddly enough, I think you need to be a great listener, and I do think I'm a good listener. I think that's my asset - I always listen to people when I talk to them, and that's a big thing you have to have in life and in podcasts.
Tom Segura /
Conversation
Life Good Great
Asset
Big Thing
Interested
Listener
Oddly
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Tom Segura Quotes - Page 1

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