Quotes by Victoria Wood - Page 1

Everyone I meet is gay, married or crackers
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Crackers
Gay
Married
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I used to make my own food and ate on my own in my room.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
My Own
Rooms
Used
Ate
Room
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Sexual harassment at work... is it a problem for the self-employed?
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Work
Harassment
Problem
Self
Sexual
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Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Inspirational
Running
Intelligent
People
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Acting is not my favourite thing. I don't like wearing costumes and wigs.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Acting
Costumes
Favourite
Wigs
Wearing
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If God had meant men to have children, he would have given them a PVC apron.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Men
Aprons
Children
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I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Pills
Thinking
Way
Widowed
Pill
Telling
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I wouldn't kidnap a man for sex - I'm not saying I couldn't use someone to oil the mower.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Men
Oil
Sex
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If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Ifs
Shoulders
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In my day we didn't have sex education, we just picked up what we could off the television.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Education
Sex
Sex Education
Television
Could
Off
Picked
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I haven't got a waist. I've just got a sort of place, a bit like an unmarked level crossing.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Crossing
Waist
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I haven't got a waist. I've just got a sort of place ... a bit like an unmarked level crossing.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Crossings
Havens
Levels
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People always think I hate doing interviews. I don't. I wouldn't do them if I didn't like them.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Hate
People
Thinking
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Music is an element that should be part and parcel of every child's life via the education system.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Children
Elements
Parcel
Should
Element
Part And Parcel
Via
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Music enriches people's lives in the same way paintings and literature do. Everybody deserves that.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Literature
People
Way
Music People Way
Deserves
Paintings
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Radio killed variety and TV killed radio, and the internet will kill television and it will go on and on.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Goes On
Internet
Radio
Television
Variety
Go
Tv
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All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Boyfriend
Friends
Colour
Thirteen
Want
Wanted
All My Friends
Getting
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In London it's easy not to be the focus of attention, especially when Sting lives in the house just behind you.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Attention
Easy
Focus
House
London
Behind
Sting
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I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Quilts
Cutting
Twenties
Years
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In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Athletic
Bars
Russia
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A lot of panel programmes rely on men topping each other, or sparring with each other, which is not generally a very female thing.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Men
Female
Programmes
Rely
Sparring
Toppings
Generally
Panel
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Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Champagne
Drink
Fast Lane
Lanes
Not Fair
Sandwiches
Eat
Fast
Fair
Lane
Loose
Some
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I have been in a youth hostel...You are put in a kitchen with seventeen venture scouts with behavioural difficulties and made to wash swedes.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Kitchen
Luck
Venture
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Well, I think there's not much of a chance for me finding somebody of my age. Gentlemen of my age are dropping down 30 years to find girlfriends.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Age
Chance
Dropping
Girlfriend
Thinking
Years
Age Chance Me
Finding
Gentlemen
Girlfriends
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If you behave normally, people treat you normally. It's only when you act as if you're someone special that they feel obliged to stand on ceremony.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Behave
Ceremony
Obliged
People
Special
Treats
Stand
Normally
Treat
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On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Next
Pie
Sitting
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In my 20s I was going round seeing agents who were patronising because I was fat and a girl, which was a double whammy. I knew what it was to feel out-of-the-loop.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Girl
Agents
Fats
Seeing
Fat
Double
Round
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I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Car
Car Keys
Keys
Middle
Party
Years
Everyone
Drove
Room
Parties
Throws
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My massage was marvellous. I feel really relaxed. And my masseur, Harold :You can't have a masseur called Harold. It's like having a member of the Royal Family called Ena.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Massage
Members
Royal
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I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Dance
Funny
Jumping
Thinking
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A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Men
Phones
Rain
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I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Degrees
Diving
Luck
Mean
Rubber
Life My Life Know
Brick
Certificate
Degree
Evenings
Intellectuals
Spend
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Of course I don't want to go to a cocktail party...If I wanted to stand around with a load of people I don't know eating bits of cold toast I can get caught shoplifting and go to Holloway [women's prison].
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Luck
Party
People
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You know daytime television? You know what it's supposed to be for? It's to keep unemployed people happy. It's supposed to stop them running to the social security demanding mad luxuries like cookers and windows.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Running
Luxury
Mad
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I have stayed true to that first idea that people can have a day in their lives that is very important and if they can reconnect with that day, reconnect with the people they were then, they can suddenly revive their emotions.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Ideas
Important
People
Revive
Day Important People
Emotions
Reconnect
Stayed
Suddenly
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My mother, she didn't believe in praise. She'd never say anything was great. I think that's quite Northern, to not make people feel too good. I didn't mind if she was proud of me or not, it didn't bother me. I was never trying to please her.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Believe
Bother
Mother
Please
Praise
Thinking
Good Great Mother
Good Great Believe
Northern
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I like writing a lot more than I used to. I used to find it scary but now I've got used to it once it gets going. I used to find it hard to start. Fear of the blank page. The first thing you write down won't bear any relation to what's in your head and that's always disappointing.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Blank
Disappointing
Pages
Relation
Scary
Writing
Fear Always Your
Bear
Blank Page
First Thing
Page
The First Thing
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Last time I went Intercity there were a couple across the aisle having sex. Of course, this being a British train, nobody said anything. Then they finished, they both lit up a cigarette and this woman stood up and said, Excuse me, I think you'll find this is a non-smoking compartment.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Funny
Women
Couple
Sex
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For years I was an undiagnosed anorexic, suffering from a little-known variant of the disease, where, freakishly, the appetite turns in on itself and demands more and more food, forcing the sufferer to gain several stones in weight and wear men's V-necked pullovers. My condition has stabilised now, but I can never stray too far from cocoa-based products and I keep a small cracknel-type candy in my brassiere at all times. Fortunately, I wear a 'D' cup so there is plenty of room for sweetmeats.
Victoria Wood / Comedian
Men
Suffering
Years
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Victoria Wood Quotes - Page 1

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