Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
My mind works so fast. When I think of something I say it. Lots of times I say it even before I think of it.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
How to do half-hour comedy innovatively is something I do pride myself on. We invented it with 'I Love Lucy.'
It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Use a make-up table with everything close at hand and don't rush; otherwise you'll look like a patchwork quilt.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
I dyed my hair this crazy red to bid for attention. It has become a trademark, and I've got to keep it this way.
Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
I don't subscribe to the 'Doctor Who' magazine and we've only got the normal amount of 'Doctor Who' fridge magnets.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Success, in whatever form it takes, is a tricky thing - once you've achieved your goal, then what? Where do you aim?
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
When popularity is your only goal, doing well in class is going to feature very low, if at all, on your priority list.
When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.
How I Love Lucy was born? We decided that instead of divorce lawyers profiting from our mistakes, we'd profit from them.
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."
My advice to you is please don't ever sit in your room and lock yourself away because you don't think you're good enough.
I spent my entire childhood living abroad because of my father's occupation, so we were on long-haul flights all the time.
The crushing, pitiful, and frequently just plain risible pathos of an unsuccessful actor/performer's life is well charted.
Cultivate friendships. If you don't have time to cultivate all of them, plow under every fifth one and collect your bonus.
I'm happy that I have brought laughter because I have been shown by many the value of it in so many lives, in so many ways.
I don't know how to tell a joke. I never tell jokes. I can tell stories that happened to me... anecdotes. But never a joke.
Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.
They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.
get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.
Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.
A friend asked her doctor if a woman should have children after thirty-five. I said, "Thirty-five children is enough for any woman.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.
I've seen 'Mork & Mindy' a couple times. Robin Williams amazes me. And I love Gary Coleman. He puts me away. He puts everybody away.
As I was growing up, it was made clear that the fat me wasn't welcome, that a thin person was expected and awaited, and impatiently so.
I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.