Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm not fat. I'm fluffy!
Your wig steers the gig.
I'm very driven by writing.
When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
I was not the popular kid in school.
I try to put my own history in my work.
Beauty is in the behind of the beholder!
You live by the cake, you die by the cake.
I hate people. People make me pro-nuclear.
I have always loved both drama and comedy.
If you must make a noise, make it quietly.
I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.
I know enough football to know that's funny!
Fundamentally, diaries are about loneliness.
If it's not happening, write your own thing!
I want to do something I feel like I can do.
Remember, "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
I went to drama school at New York University.
People can relate to someone who isn't perfect.
There's so much to watch, I can't even keep up.
That's another fine mess you've gotten me into.
I do use my body a lot, to click into a character.
Drinking can bring out a dude that has some issues.
The love of a parent, that connection, it's eternal.
I really love having lots of down time with my kids.
If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No."
If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said 'No.'
Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.
A knick-knack is a thing that sits on top of a whatnot.
We can choose our family. We can't choose our relatives.
Comedy is my passion. I'm going to do this until I drop.
You pigeon hole yourself by the title you give yourself.
There are certain bits in my act that will never change.
I see myself as a roving mosquito, choosing it's target.
When I was on 'Saturday Night Live,' all I did was work.
Hanging out with comics, all they did was make fun of me.
I used to get painful crushes on really unavailable guys.
You know, there's a right and wrong way to do everything.
Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.
There's a light at the end of the tunnel. And it's a train.
The bad jazz that a cat blows wails long after he’s cut out.
The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently.
I'm not fat. It's just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.
You can't be bad ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos.
Most comedians come from a dark past and have a lot of sadness.
I like both movies and TV, so I don't have some big grand plan.
Kids, man, they're way too honest. They're like mini-alcoholics.
The three words every woman really longs to hear: I'll clean up.
If you put your personal stories out there people always connect.
I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.