Quotes by Alonzo Bodden - Page 1

I could always make people laugh.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Laughing
Making People Laugh
People
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Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Boat
Sides
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I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Comic
Honest
Used
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I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Burning Down
Claims
Fantasy
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Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Disappear
Something New
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Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Divorce
Long
Sex
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Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Women
Trying
Years
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Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Home
Jewelry
Stuff
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I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Black
Good Old Days
Old Days
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I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Airplane
School
Wish
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I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Grew Up
Hurt
Starbucks
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In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Fake
Listening
Mean
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I ride because there’s nothing like in the world. It’s a passion. It’s something I absolutely have to do and I can never imagine not doing it.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Imagine
Passion
World
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I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Eye
Hook
Sleep
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A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Focus
Hurt
Laughing
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We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Fun
Shoes
Waiting
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I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Car
Men
Asian
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I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Fun
Nice
Teaching
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You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Attitude
Airplane
Thinking
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There's always something that's going to kill us all. A few years ago, tomatoes were going to kill us and a few years before that it was spinach. The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid that hates vegetables!
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Kids
Running
Hate
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There are three goals for any comedian: to make a living as a comedian; I've been fortunate to do that. To make a name for yourself and to be famous would be great - because it would give me that freedom.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Giving
Goal
Names
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I'm a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs - they wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn't work out I can always try gardening.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Kids
Moving
Museums
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They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Duvets
Ideas
Thinking
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Latinos outnumber Black people now. I'm not too happy about it. Because it's only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they're going to have Latino History Month. All we're going to have is Cinco de Negro.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Black
Matter
People
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I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. And I can make fun of NASCAR fans, because if they chase me, I just turn right.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Circles
Couple
Fun
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Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Airplane
Black
People
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I work out with alot of gay guys at the gym. I do, because my only goal is to get into gay shape. Now, you know what I'm talking about. Gay men are the most ripped kind of... listen... I don't know how strong you have to be to blow a guy, but I'm guessin', there is some muscle involved.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Blow
Gay
Strong
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Comedy is the drug, when they laugh it's like I'm a jazz musician and they hear it, and they get it. It's power to take the crowd wherever I want them to go. I love it when they laugh, especially when they relate through laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It also means I'm going to get paid, which is nice.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Beautiful
Laughter
Nice
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The difference, generally speaking, between sportbike people and cruiser people is that sportbike people like performance skill and wear safety gear; cruisers like chrome, noise, and style. It's funny to me to separate them because I ride both. I prefer performance cruisers like the Honda Valkyrie I had or my Triumph Rocket III.
Alonzo Bodden / Comedian
Differences
People
Skills
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Alonzo Bodden Quotes - Page 1

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