Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Have you ever met a war you didn't love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of?
Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn't your job.
Some people think I enjoy debate. I don't. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.
You can't pray away global warming, and that's the difference between religious people and sane people.
The shame would be if Democrats get thrown out of office without ever having tried Democratic policies.
you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!
Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.
Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.'
Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do.
Don't vote for Republicans or Democrats until they clean up the open system of bribery that we live under.
The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?
Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.
I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.
I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing.
It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.
Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
This week Sarah Palin's memoir became a bestseller. It's not even out yet. It's being translated into English.
What kind of tyrant punishes everyone just to get back at the few he's mad at? I mean, besides Chris Christie.
Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
Obama has had more fundraisers than the last six presidents combined. And he's still losing in the money race!
[Obamacare] was going to be the Republicans' big issue, and they're not talking about it because it's working.
What mostly prevents black people from voting is that drug laws send them to prison, and then they can't vote.
The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
Scientists say an 8.9 earthquake here could knock down buildings, flood coastal areas... and improve the roads.
We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.
If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.
Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on?
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
We take one group of people and we demonize them. Trying to turn people against our Muslim friend and neighbors.
Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that.
At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution.
You talk about 'Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.' Maybe your brain needs a little washing.
Every asshole who ever chanted 'Drill baby drill' should have to report to the Gulf coast today for cleanup duty.
Rick Santorum has come out against contraception and against college. He wants us literally to be f**king stupid.
I can't stay mad at Pope Frank. I just can't. It's a funny situation that I like the pope and Mel Gibson doesn't.
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?
Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, 'What's a plan?'
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.
I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.
I hear this all the time: 'Obama's policies aren't working.' He hasn't been allowed to put his policies into place.
What does it take for Republicans to take off the flag pin and say, 'I am just too embarrassed to be on this team'?
There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
The American people don't really care what side of an issue you're on. They just don't want you to act like a pussy.
This is America. We don't call an election before we know who won. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court.
Democrats are afraid of polls. Republicans aren`t afraid of polls. Republicans make polls. Democrats run from polls.
There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater.
Funny that all of Nixon's crimes - anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars - are all legal now. Discuss.