Quotes by Chelsea Handler - Page 3

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Twilight
Copy Quote
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Baseball
Couple
Sex
Copy Quote
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Men
Copy Quote
How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Jail
May
Thinking
Copy Quote
I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Chance
Clean
May
Copy Quote
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Kids
Thinking
Would Be
Copy Quote
I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Blow
Issues
Sake
Copy Quote
There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?'
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
What If
Gosh
Copy Quote
I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Good Job
Good Home Done
Go Home
Minute
Copy Quote
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Car
People
Thinking
Copy Quote
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Hot
Copy Quote
I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Bagels
Burgers
Skinny
Copy Quote
When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Guarded
Celebrities
Interview
Reveal
Copy Quote
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Comedian
Ridiculous
Stupid
Copy Quote
I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Host
Late Night
Tied
Hosting
Copy Quote
You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Heartbreak
Bummer
Just One
Copy Quote
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Want
Copy Quote
I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Host
Hosting
Copy Quote
My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Self Deprecating
Observational
Standup
Copy Quote
You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Honest
Copy Quote
Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Permanent
Pretend
Shift
Copy Quote
People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Editing
Following
Me People See
Copy Quote
The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Apology
Father
People
Copy Quote
If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Family See Want
Extended
Immediate
Member
Copy Quote
In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Cutting
Three
Tough Economic Times
Copy Quote
I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Barbara
Trying
Want
Copy Quote
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Funny
Uncles
Humor
Taken
Copy Quote
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Drinking
Party
Two
Copy Quote
It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Interesting
Mean
People
Copy Quote
It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Gay
Softball
Team
Copy Quote
Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Funny Motivational
Sometimes
Wonder
Copy Quote
Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Giving
Nice
Raised
Copy Quote
That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Maintaining
Copy Quote
I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Bullying
Gay
School
Copy Quote
If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Fashion
Sex
Want
Copy Quote
It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Car
Oil
Two
Copy Quote
I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Devilish
Embrace
Proven
Fight
Copy Quote
I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Important
Needs
Way
Copy Quote
I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Funny
Hangover
Pregnancy
Copy Quote
That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump] should have the least amount of air time.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Air
Messages
Should Have
Copy Quote
I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Effort
Long
Shapes
Copy Quote
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Confusion
Firsts
Speak
Copy Quote
My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Secure
Author
Develops
Copy Quote
If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Customers
Fighting
Ifs
Copy Quote
I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Batteries
Nine
Two
Copy Quote
Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Keepers
School
Weed
Copy Quote
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Good Luck
Mcdonalds
Rest Of Your Life
Copy Quote
Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Drinking
Faces
Skins
Copy Quote
I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Men
Becoming
Years
Copy Quote
I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.
Chelsea Handler / Comedian
Ice Cream
People
Thinking
Copy Quote

Top Authors

Khalil Gibran
Poet
Saturday, Jan 06, 1883
Friday, Apr 10, 1931
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Poet
Wednesday, Oct 21, 1772
Friday, Jul 25, 1834
Michael Jordan
Basketball Player
Sunday, Feb 17, 1963
George Orwell
Novelist
Thursday, Jun 25, 1903
Saturday, Jan 21, 1950
Lucy Larcom
Poet
Friday, Mar 05, 1824
Monday, Apr 17, 1893
Vince Lombardi
Football Player
Wednesday, Jun 11, 1913
Thursday, Sep 03, 1970
Marcus Tullius Cicero
Philosopher
Tyler, The Creator
Rapper
Wednesday, Mar 06, 1991
Oscar Wilde
Writer
Monday, Oct 16, 1854
Friday, Nov 30, 1900
Zig Ziglar
Author
Saturday, Nov 06, 1926
Wednesday, Nov 28, 2012
Thomas Sowell
Economist
Monday, Jun 30, 1930
Jordan Peterson
Psychologist
Pope Francis
Thursday, Dec 17, 1936
Jean De La Bruyere
Wednesday, Aug 16, 1645
Thursday, May 10, 1696
Vincent Van Gogh
Painter
Wednesday, Mar 30, 1853
Tuesday, Jul 29, 1890

View All Authors

Chelsea Handler Quotes - Page 3

App & Tools

Related Comedian Authors

Popular Topic Tags

Top Authors

Share This Page

Stay Connected

App & Tools

Related Comedian Authors

Popular Topic Tags

Top Authors

Share This Page