Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.
Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.
It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.
If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.
I'm really into the human interest thing. I really like regular people.
I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
Let's all help each other be a little bit better at being human beings.
It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.
Jennifer Aniston is one of the most down-to-earth, low-key people I know.
Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?
I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've never understood the appeal.
I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.
I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.
[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.
When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.
There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss.
Seeing your parents fall apart is really rough. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.
I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.
Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.
I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness... I mean, it helps.
ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.
The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.
Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.
I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job.
The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me.
I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.