Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm a geek to the bone.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
I try to make the majority of my audience laugh.
There's nothing better for a comedian than adversity.
I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.
You never know how long your fifteen minutes of fame is going to last.
As humans we like to laugh at our fears, we like to whistle in the dark.
The roadwork is just rehearsal for that DVD you're going to film a year later.
I hate the beach - I'm a mountain guy. I'd much rather face a bear than a shark.
I think all the garbage in the world is thanks to a very small handful of idiots.
It's a survival thing. I don't do anything to be artistic or just because I like it.
I'm a Macintosh nut. I got my PowerBook, so if I'm not writing jokes, I'm working on that.
Growing up, I thought it would be great if I could do big theaters. Now we're doing arenas.
A comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things.
I always try and do everything I can to the best of my abilities, single aspect has to be perfect.
I try to make the majority of my audience laugh. That's my audience. They'll laugh at the dead terrorist.
A lot of my best stuff is just ad libs on stage and that's one thing that I've gotten back to at the live show.
A lot of my best stuff is just ad libs on stage, and that's one thing that I've gotten back to at the live show.
I've got an answer to where Osama bin Laden is and I know, he's dead and living in my suitcase with my dummies.'
My goal in any show is to make people laugh. That's the No. 1 thing. Everything else pales in comparison to that.
When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show.
Most people when they have autobiographies, they're not autobiographies, they're biographies written by a ghost writer.
There's some sort of unspoken license... when outlandish things come out of an inanimate object, somehow it equals humor.
Math? Forget about it. If I add four plus eight plus six, I have to count on my fingers. I guess I'm hooked up differently.
Family time was very difficult when my girls were little, but I never missed a birthday; I was there for every major event.
Family time was very difficult when my girls were little, but I never missed a birthday, I was there for every major event.
There are not that many ventriloquists out there who build their own characters. I love that because they are uniquely mine.
I'm a pretty good ventriloquist, but it's the entertainment value and the laughs that keep people sitting there and wanting more.
I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny.
Stand-up comedy is tough right now. Anybody can come to a concert, tape you, and put you up on the Internet. You either fight it or embrace it.
I'm not trying to teach anybody anything, I'm not trying to say anything, I have no political motive whatsoever. My motive is just the big laugh.
The kids who come backstage that have cancer or whatever, make them laugh and smile for a little while, what's the problem with that? There isn't any.
I've never been truly hammered... Never. Not even in college. I was too busy driving or flying away on weekends doing shows around Texas and the country.
Everybody has their favorite character.That's the only way I pick, whatever is going on in society, whatever I think folks will laugh at that's what I come up with.
There's no real formula for doing it, it's either just living life and writing down a joke you think of in the middle of the day and then pieces those together later.
But the mechanics of learning to 'throw your voice' are pretty simple. Anyone with a tongue, an upper palate, teeth, and a normal speaking voice can learn ventriloquism.
I was not one of the popular kids, I was not great at sports, girls didn't pay attention to me.I was just pretty much an average kid, no stand-out abilities, nothing note-worthy.
My parents never discouraged me. There were a couple times when my dad criticized a couple things that I did, but it was nothing. So through the bad shows, I never wanted to quit.
If people are still buying tickets, and still buying the DVDs, and they're still watching on YouTube and my fifteen minutes of fame isn't finished yet, then I'll just keep doing it.
[In my bio] is no drunk driving, there's no DUI's, there's no possession of cocaine, none of that stuff so you know, I don't know if that's good or bad. Everybody loves dirty laundry.
I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to a liberal arts degree and got my Bachelor of Arts in Communications and it made sense.
I don't aim it at anybody specific, I don't aim my characters to make old people laugh or young people or professionals or blue collar, just whatever I think is going to be funny and it just so happens that.
Up until college age I was using the typical little-boy dummy that sits on the knee and makes woodpecker jokes. My first original character didn't happen until later, and that was Jose the Jalapeno on a Stick.
Growing up doing those Kiwanis Clubs, doing those Cub Scout banquets, doing those church shows, I learned to find that sensibility that most people could laugh at - that all ages and demographics could laugh at.
I taught myself computer. Then Macintosh came along, and it became a really bad addiction. If I wasn't in show business, I'd have pocket protectors growing out of my chest. I do everything on it. It's kinda sick.
All through college, I was searching for characters that would make me unique and set me apart from the typical ventriloquist with the typical dummy that was the little boy, cheeky hard figure like Charlie McCarthy.
It's amazing how these little guys can say things that a mortal human could never get away with. There's some sort of unspoken license... when outlandish things come out of an inanimate object, somehow it equals humor.
The only way a ventriloquist speaks differently is that he forgoes using his or her lips, and learns to reproduce sounds using the tongue, upper palate, and teeth only. Those 'difficult' letters are B, F, M, P, V, W, and Y.
On weekends when everybody would go to the football games, I would be getting on a plane or driving my car across the state or across the country to go do a show somewhere and yeah so, I never thought of doing anything else.
Even going to college, getting my degree in Radio TV and Film, as I was approaching the time when you have to decide on a major, I kept trying to figure out what would be the best major to enhance what I am doing as a performer.