I'm a horse of a man!

My epiglottis is full of bees!

It was as relaxing as being tickled.

Americans are good at herding Bison. The end.

Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.

.. international hand of freindship. A cigarette

All this health and safety talk is just killing me.

It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom

Column writing is like gas - it fills the available space.

I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

I'm having a nice cold pint and waiting for this to blow over.

I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not.

Multi-tasking is the ability to screw everything up simultaneously.

I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!

You know what, I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!

Being smarter than you look is better than looking smarter than you are.

This is perfect for India because everyone who comes here gets the trots.

Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.

There are shantytowns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!

I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the Guardian hating me.

I love Alfa Romeos and that [Alfa Romeo Giulia Quadrifoglio] was tremendous.

Looking good in Italy is even more important than looking where you're going.

Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.

We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.

I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well.

I'm not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I'm not physically capable.

If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!

This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler

The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite

I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing.

Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

I dish the dirt out and I can take it. But why should my mother and children have to take it?

When you've finished using a car, put the f***ing seat back, so humans can use it afterwards.

It's just thinking of funny things that will amuse us and entertain us and we'll come and do it.

Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what BEING STABBED?

The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!

A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I'm coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun.

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

Selling through the internet seems to be a very good idea. There are a million areas that we can go to.

No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful.

I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

There are many rules for the elderly in the Highway Code. I have one too, and here it is: get a bloody move on.

Mix an anorexic body with a heart made of pure fire and you are going to go with a savagery that's hard to explain.

Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.

Planet Earth thought it had £10. But it turns out we only had £2. Which means everyone must lose 80% of their wealth

The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.

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