Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".
I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.
I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.
I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!
I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.
Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"
I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."
I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"
I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.