Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"