Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My life needs editing.
You know me, I love lost causes.
I'm not a liberal, I'm a radical!
Obama is running again for spite.
If you can't join them, beat them.
I don't think fascism is dying for.
My humor was Victorian - and still is.
I'm a radical, and I always have been.
The bravest thing that men do is love women.
I found people looked better when they laughed
you don't know what you think unless you say it.
You haven't lived until you've died in California
Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual.
Bush is the face on the can. But who canned that soup?
That feeling of hopelessness only serves your masters.
I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.
One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.
Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.
A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.
I used to go out with actresses and other female impersonators.
The New York Times is the official leak of the State Department.
Women have everything they want, and they've never been so unhappy.
When people write comedy from neutrality, it just gets kind of silly.
Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.
There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.
I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.
I used to go to two movies every week for the Saturday matinee when I was a kid.
There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry!
When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.
Too much comedy today is vulgar, not clever. I say that as a comedian and as a consumer.
Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.
You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.
If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.
I'm for capital punishment. You've got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?
We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.
Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?
If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason.
Hillary's explanation of the Libyan action to Congress was so good, I wonder who explained it to her?
I don't think crucifixion is the answer. I believe in the resurrection. I like that part of the story.
A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.
We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man
I didn't think that anything is beyond humor - not profane humor, but a good, honest approach to humor.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.