Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You can't shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity.
No government proposal more complicated than "This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private" ever works.
The problem, when comparing contemporary television to television in 1974, is that TV has become not just bad but sad.
Fretting about overpopulation, is a perfect guilt-free - indeed, sanctimonious - way for "progressives" to be racists.
We Americans, who invented traffic, are always being startled by the forms into which it has evolved around the world.
There's such a self-conscious balance that goes into television. Also, these are not people that think things through.
Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs.
I don't watch much television. Yeah, that's pretty funny. I don't know where The Daily Show stand politically, do you?
Cats possess so many of the same qualities as some poeple that it is often hard to tell the people and the cats apart.
The whole melodrama of the Middle East would be improved if amnesia were as common here as it is in melodramatic plots.
That happy sense of purpose people have when standing up for a principle they haven't really been knocked down for yet.
The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore.
Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.
The purpose of the Senate is to keep 100 middle aged knuckleheads out of the private sector where they can do real harm.
Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.
To grasp the true meaning of socialism, imagine a world where everything is designed by the post office, even the sleaze.
Everybody in 15th century Spain was wrong about where China was and as a result, Columbus discovered Caribbean vacations.
Of all the American educational system's problems, none is more severe than the academic year beginning before Labor Day.
Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have.
Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
I've never been able to get it straight about what these people who are worried about the trade deficit are worried about.
If I give up drinking, smoking, and fatty foods, I can add ten years to my life. Trouble is, I'll add it to the wrong end.
People say free trade causes dislocation. In actual fact, it's the lowering of trade barriers that causes the dislocation.
Moviemakers are rewarded with tax write-offs if, when seeking a location that looks like America, they seek it in America.
Even the most left-wing politicians worship wealth creation - as the political-action-committee collection plate is passed.
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
In the language of politics, there is only one translation for the phrase 'hope and change,' to wit: 'big, fat government.'
When I became a man, I put away childish things and got more elaborate and expensive childish things from France and Japan.
Political stuff is all about his [Hunter S. Thompson] reaction to a situation. And my stuff is much more externally driven.
Politicians are wonderful people as longa as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
I had a confused early hippie phase, which was like a cafeteria tray of sloppy, semi-Marxist thoughts, absorbed second-hand.
We journalists don't have to step on roaches. All we have to do is turn on the kitchen light and watch the critters scutter.
If you get outside the world of show business and its satellites, there's a whole world of car nuts in the Los Angeles area.
I have no idea if some societies, anthropologically speaking, aren't really suited for democracy. I don't think that's true.
I was managing editor for a while [in National Lampoon ], and it does cause business problems when your circulation goes up.
These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.
A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun.
What about snipers?" I once asked someone. He said, "Oh, most of the snipers have automatic weapon. They arent very accurate.
I rarely meet a politician that I don't like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger.
The real purpose of welfare is to get rid of poor people entirely. Everybody knows welfare has bad effects; that's the point.
Good manners consist of doing precisely what everyone thinks should be done, especially when no one knows quite what that is.
America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.
Taxi drivers all over the world, by the way, are under Newspaper Guild contract to give easy quotes to foreign correspondents.
I like to have interesting things to write about. And when one says something is 'interesting,' one almost always means 'bad.'
I am no stranger to loud music. I've been to a Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels concert. I once dated a woman with two kids.
I've got a 1990 Porsche 911. It's just a Carrera, a very simple, straightforward little thing that goes like stink. I love it.
Humor is a terrific tool for explaining things, especially when what you're explaining is frightening or dull and complicated.
Finland is a rich country. What have they got? They got Nokia phones and plywood. How'd they get so rich? Because they're free.
If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.