Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I hate wearing suits and ties.
In real life, I am alarmingly boring.
I no longer believe in freedom of speech.
I want people to feel good about themselves.
I think your ambition for something changes as you go.
On Twitter, I just want to make you laugh at all costs.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, 'people.'
My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.
Politicians, it's in their job description to just lie, every day.
In high school, I definitely fancied myself an intense guy, which is so lame.
I'm endlessly fascinated by parenting, marriage, my wife and the ins and outs of marriage.
It's a good idea to have a break, to let your mind rest and so you can start to cultivate ideas.
Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.
Depression taught me the importance of compassion and hard work, and that you can overcome enormous obstacles.
It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.
I can't 'make' you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favourite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.
I'm crazy about Shakespeare, who was a notorious word inventor. And my wife is an English teacher, and she's hilarious.
Elderly people, I have found, when they're being honest, are also scumbags, and enjoy a little prurient humour as well.
People moved in across the street and are immediately cutting down a huge tree. Their toothbrushes will know my buttonhole.
If you have an opinion on what other adults do consensually with other adults when they take their pants off, you're a weirdo.
Well, Mitt Romney is a very attractive comedic target. He’s irresistible to me. I mean seriously, I want to pay less attention to him.
Well, Mitt Romney is a very attractive comedic target. He's irresistible to me. I mean, seriously, I want to pay less attention to him.
Don't even FRONT like you love your family, America, or God, if you don't have a DETAILED & REHEARSED Black Friday tactical shopping plan.
Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.
I use Twitter as a tool to get involved with people, to sell tickets to gigs where I can stand in a room and smell the audience - and I love that!
It's hard for me to get embarrassed, but the things that do embarrass me would be if anybody ever heard my wife and I talking in our robust, made-up language.
People say that the largest sexual organ is the brain, and I think the fact that they definitely amuse each other is probably the strongest glue in that relationship.
I'm a comedian at the beginning and the end of the day. I'm not affiliated with any campaign, nor do I generally find politics interesting enough to plan to be involved.
People who concern themselves with the rights of other adults who engage in consensual acts involving sex, love, and/or eating croissants together are damaged and in pain.
I had always loved comedy, and acted out Steve Martin and Bill Cosby albums with my sister for my parents on road trips and stuff, and I loved to laugh and make people laugh.
But I also know in standup, there's nowhere to hide. You get on stage and you deliver, or you are eviscerated and you are thrown into a pile of bodies at the bottom of a mountain.
On stage, I'm me. I'm a husband, I'm a dad, I'm a guy, I'm a mess - but I am a cohesive thing that you recognize as one human entity saying these things that he generally believes.
Comedians who are 22 years old can certainly be funny and clever, and be capable of telling jokes - but are they talking about their favorite TV shows, or a particular brand of shampoo?
With Twitter, you just want to make people laugh in their meeting; on stage, people have paid for their tickets with their hard-earned money, so I owe them the truth as I experience it.
In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say “Yes” and hand me a chicken leg, or “No” and slap me with an old fish.
It makes me sad that corporations and media and Hollywood conspire to make people feel terrible about their bodies from the second they wake up, so I sort of try to subversively undercut that.
It makes me sad that corporations and media and Hollywood conspire to make people feel terrible about their bodies from the second they wake up ,so I sort of try to subversively undercut that.
The best thing you can do when you're not feeling funny is go out and get more stimuli from the world, get out and walk around, read a book, go talk to some birds or a dog and replenish the well, as it were.
I don't think of marriage as the drudge work that a lot of sitcoms and movies might have shown it to be, I think it's more deadly murderous rage, unadulterated passion, soul-crushing purgatorial dread... It's more interesting.
I was an extroverted kid and performed, like, acting and singing. Then, the older I got, I realized I enjoyed performing things that I came up with myself more and I enjoyed making people laugh more than making people cry or think.
The danger for a comedian on Twitter is the same danger that any civilian faces: sometimes you gotta put that phone down and go live your life. When you're on Twitter, you're not living, and if you're not living, you're not taking in stimuli with which you can create new material.
We can and should complain about certain horrors of the modern world, but when it comes to the treatment of mental illness, the advances made in the last hundred years have been far more significant than the space program, nuclear fission, or even The Wire, for so many fortunate people.
A long-term relationship is about showing up and working hard and banking on each other. If one's down, the other might be up and can help the other one up, and sometimes you're both down and you just [band] together. Endurance is a big theme of it for me. That might not sound romantic, but I kind of think that it is.
I can say that I'm a feminist and I try to be progressive and all that stuff. But I when I'm tired or when I've been thrown up on for the second time that I'm just a tired man trying to keep it together. I've had a lot of jobs over the years and people who make television - it's ridiculous how much they're lauded and paid. It's irresponsible and stupid. But it is hard work. It's very difficult to balance having three young kids and working like that. So I owe my wife an enormous debt of gratitude. I feel guilty that the kids had to be grown in her body and she hasn't been able to work.