Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic.
Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again.
If death weren't around to 'finalize' the Darwinian process, we'd all still be amoebas.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror.
When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
What's with the poverty Tourette's? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president?
Democrats - always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in.
Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.
Smoking cigarettes seems to alarm peace activists much more than voting for Reagan does.
Wealth is not a pizza, where if I have too many slices you have to eat the Domino's box.
While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.
The truthiness is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news 'at' you.
Listening to classical music is a journey not a state; it's an activity not a meditation.
The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.
The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker.
Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
All lies are told with a straight face. It is truth that's said with a dismissive giggle.
Distracting a politician from governing is like distracting a bear from eating your baby.
Adam Smith's huge failure was the fact that he did not foresee the industrial revolution.
We'll run this planet as we please, and if you don't like it, go back where we came from.
The Afghans themselves say that if you put two Afghans in a room, you get three factions.
When elites see a homeless person in the gutter, they assume he's saving a parking place.
If we heard that somebody starved to death in Sweden or Switzerland, we would be shocked.
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.
We're Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.
Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.
Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN.
The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious.
The real alternative to power of the rich is not power of the poor. It's just plain power.
Detroits industrial ruins are picturesque, like crumbling Rome in an 18th-century etching.
I went back to bumming around New York, writing freelance stuff for Car & Driver and such.
Russian cars are silly. They look like imports drawn by a cartoonist for a UAW newsletter.
There aren't many political humorists. Dave Barry is excellent, but he doesn't do it much.
I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.
Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government.
I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.
[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
Anyone who thinks he has a better idea of what's good for people than people do is a swine.
The best and brightest don't go into politics. The best and brightest are at Goldman Sachs.