Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.
My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.
Bring Your Child to Work Day -- that's how we got George W. Bush.
Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.
Love: You can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun.
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.
Pamela Anderson is a great dancer considering she can't see her feet.
He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One.
My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.
Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.'
Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.
Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.
I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.
If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.
CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.
Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.
I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?
Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.
Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.
In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.
Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go.
In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'
I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.
Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.
Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.
Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians.
While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.
Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.
I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern.
United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.
The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?
The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'
Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?