Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.
They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating.
President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.
I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards' phone number.
The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?
I just heard George W. Bush's new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!
Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.
Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.
Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.
Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel.
It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?
I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?
Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.
As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair.
It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water.
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.
It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.
Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.
Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.
John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.
Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.
You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?
They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never do any of that.
Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.
A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.
He has been greatly missed since his retirement ... Thank God for videotapes and DVDs. In this regard, he will always be around.
Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'
Newt Gingrich has criticized 'New York elites' who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this morning.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man - he already has all of his sex scandals behind him.
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.
The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.
Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide.
I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.
New York is great though. If you?re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.
Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don't have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.
Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.
Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license.
Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!"
President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'
You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'
The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?
Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.
Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.