Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Everyday is a compromise.
In Hollywood, Oscar is king.
I'm nothing if not an optimist.
Do good things for other people.
Them bats is smart. They use radar!
Life experience is the best teacher.
I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!
Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound.
Lesbians have never been more popular.
There just isn't enough televised Chess
Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.
A small handgun makes any TV remote control.
I spend most of my free time under the house.
There is no off position on the genius switch.
Quiet down, we don't want to wake the Russians.
This isn't brain surgery; it's just television.
I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.
Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.
You'll never catch a nudist with his pants down.
Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.
I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.
BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.
Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.
I wouldn't give my troubles to a monkey on a rock.
Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.
For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.
Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.
Childhood. I wish I had something to complain about.
I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.
Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
What a day. It's 53 and gloomy - like President Obama.
New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.
I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.
I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.
I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit.
Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.
Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
Don't use your bedroom for work, unless you're a prostitute.
I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.
Keep in mind that your individual vote doesn't mean anything.
I'd do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it's too cold.
I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
Now all of us can talk to the NSA -- just by dialing any number.