Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.
Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?
Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.
After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.
Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one.
All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.
Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.
They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one.
The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.
Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.
Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, 'I didn't expect this,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.
Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.
Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for.
Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the '90s when he starred on 'Baywatch.'
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.
Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing.
I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me.
Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.
I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
Hookers in Times Square, God bless 'em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they'll change positions.
How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.
Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.
George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.
I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.
Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.
Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.
The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.
President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'
Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.
Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I'm telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.
Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.
Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.
Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails.
So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.
Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.'
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.