Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can't even get the intern to make me coffee!
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.
I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.
The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question.
Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.
One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News.
Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.
Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.
I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.
Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich.
Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.
I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'
Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.
Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag
Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.
I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.
Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.
Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.
President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.
I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.
Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.
Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.
New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.
Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.
The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.
Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.