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David Letterman Quotes - Page 3

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Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can't even get the intern to make me coffee!
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Clinton
Coffee
Loser
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There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Business
Accounting
Office Work
Show Business
Shows
Show
Businesses
No Business
Several
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They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Bills
Said
Talking
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It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Mean
Spring
Weekend
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Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Littles
Program
Tonight
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I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Involved
Sex
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Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Navy
Obesity
Problem
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The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Astronomy
Foreign Policy
Mars
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Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Naughty
Santa
Today
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Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Valentine
Beets
Saving
Together
Valentines Day
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Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Newts
Sex
Wells
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One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Iraq
Leader
Next Day
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Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Black
Fighting
Guy
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Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Dry
Email
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I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Redeeming
Social Values
Talent
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President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Funny
Guy
President Bush
Unwind
Wind
Month
Bush
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This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Email
Scandal
Viagra
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Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Osama Bin Laden
Three
Wife
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Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Faces
Retiring
Scientology
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I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Honest
Looks
Tonight
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Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Giving
Names
Two
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Night clubs scare me. They're dark and they stink and they're dangerous and everybody's drunk.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Dark
Drunk
Night
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There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Men
Children
Earth
Enjoy
Tasty
Child
Face
Beverage
Woman
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You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Loss
Memories
Weed
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It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
New York
Cities
Liberty
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President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Comedy
President
President Bush
Quiet
Schwarzenegger
Silent
Bush
Pronounce
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They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Hunting
Oil
Wildlife
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The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Age
Dying
Thinking
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The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Flags
Lasts
Paris
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Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
War
Gay
Military
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The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
4th Of July
Alcohol
Two
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The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Baby
Kissing
Tired
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Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Zoos
Animal
Guy
Wife
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I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Als
Rumor
Yeah
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I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Brooks
Brother
Looks
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Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Men
Thinking
Tonight
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Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Clinton
Iraq
President
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President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Blue
President
Want
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I'm very resourceful. I'd be good in prison. I'd be good in a shipwreck. I'd make a great hostage.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Be Good
Prison
Shipwreck
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Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Orange
Prison
Today
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Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Bulls
Cutting
Littles
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Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Running
Body
Builder
Littles
Arnold
Governor
Reno
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Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Back When
Program
Television
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Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Change
Color
Fall
Fun
Los Angeles
Angeles
Birds
Los
Season
Trees
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At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
House
Trying
White
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New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
New York
Cities
Getting High
Subway
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The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Catholic
Children
Church
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Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Mexico
Oil
Sea
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The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
Long
Pages
Torture
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Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.
David Letterman / Talk Show Host
House
Moving
White
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