Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm not your usual cup of tea.
My children are terrific babies.
I'm a fan of old vaudeville theaters.
Political correctness, to me, is an enemy.
California is prejudiced about fat people.
I think it's funny when stereotypes happen.
I'm not crooked, and I want to help people.
Michigan... it's a great state... somewhere.
I'd like to be a U.S. senator from Tennessee.
I do like two hours of new material every year.
I'm too blunt, too matter-of-fact and not PC enough.
My wife is my teammate. She's my best friend. I love her.
I'm even handed. I just point out the stupidity we all do.
Jay Mohr saved my life. That's not an overstatement either.
I've got one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel.
Most comics give you what you want. I give you what you need.
Some nights you walk off stage and go 'That was a good crowd.'
I keep my nose clean. I let the drama go on with somebody else.
Roses are red, violets are blue, so are my balls thanks to you.
I think there's a bias against fat people on network television.
My name is Ralphie. How many Ralphie's do you know? It's unique.
I'm honest, at the end of the day - I'm obese, but I'm not obtuse.
I'm dirty, I'm irreverent - but I'm still a very topical comedian.
I wouldn't want my comedy show to hurt anybody. I'm not Donald Trump.
There's a big difference between being racist and racially insensitive.
I see the absurdity in things, and I think it's my job to point it out.
I'm so Southern that I'm related to myself. I'm actually my own cousin.
I live in a very dangerous part of Los Angeles? it's called Los Angeles.
I want more stand-up comics in prime time. It's great for every comedian.
I've got a lot of charisma, plus women are forgiving and they can be charmed.
In my entire life I've spent maybe three weeks with my dad under the same roof.
As a man seeing someone, have a decision: You can be correct or you can be glad.
We are all fingers on the same hand. We may not look alike, but we are all needed.
The comedians I always loved and respected the most were always filthy degenerates.
I got kids now... It gives you an empathetic feeling into other cultures and stuff.
As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.
I'm not PC all the time in my phrasing, because that meets a wall; people won't hear it.
If people get their feelings hurt from jokes, then they are too delicate to be in society.
The people I make fun of most are white people. They're the dumbest ones. They really are.
I'm a dirty, filthy animal and I'm a dirty comedian, but I got a lot of charisma and charm.
I want to raise awareness about evils perpetuated on American citizens by other American citizens.
Comedy is not about appearance; it's about rockin' a mike. Are they laughing? That's the only test.
I've always been Ralphie, ever since I was a kid. My grandfather was Ralph. It suits me better to be Ralphie.
I'm blue collar, which means white trash with a job. But it also means people who take pride in what they do.
The day you don't mess with somebody, that would be exclusive rather than inclusive. I strive to be inclusive.
I think there's too much emphasis on making sure our corporations are OK versus making sure our people are OK.
I mean, comics fear sue - you know, lawsuits and stuff like that, just because they don't like to do paperwork.
The perception of fat people in America is that they're fat, therefore they're dumb, they're lazy, and they must stink.
I don't go to comedy clubs unless I'm working. And when I do work, I come in, I do my time and I leave. I don't hang out.
The overwhelming majority of my material has very little to do with my weight. It's certainly not the crux of my material.