Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.
But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.
Compassionate conservative, that's like having a gun rack on a Volvo.
What's true in our minds is true, whether some people know it or not.
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.
Before the Web, there was just one guy running around saying 'I KNOW!'
I'm history! No, I'm mythology! Nah, I don't care what I am, I'm free!
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
You need a touch of madness, just enough that you don't become stupid!
All you have to do is think one happy thought, and you'll fly like me.
What some folks call impossible is just stuff they haven't seen before.
My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.
If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.
You know what music is - a harmonic connection between all living beings.
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.
I think it's great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal.
I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.
A lot of vets like 'Good Morning Vietnam' - I get great letters from guys.
I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."
Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?
If heaven exists, to know that there's laughs, that would be a great thing.
You appreciate little things, like walks on the beach with a defibrillator.
Ballet: men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that.
If Heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.
It doesn't matter who you are, if you've got the legs, you can hang with them.
Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.
I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
When you have a great audience, you can just keep going and finding new things.
I always wanted to play a big, black man, but that would cost too much make-up.
I enjoy performing for heavily armed people. It's easier than going to Georgia.
I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
I learned that by being entertaining you make a connection with another person.
Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs
There's no shame in failing. The only shame is not giving things your best shot.
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
The sort of liveliness which increases with age is not far distant from madness.
When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'
As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them.
Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
I'm an Episcopal, which is Catholic Lite. It's like same religion, half the guilt.
You'd think all of these "atypical" somethings would add up to a typical something
People would say I never censor. As Billy Crystal says, 'I don't have that button.'
Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing.