People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.

They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons - because they installed them

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material

If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Canadian money is also called the loony. How can you take an economic crisis seriously?

Winning an Oscar is an honor, but, between you and me, it does not makes things easier.

The first time I ate organic whole-grain bread I swear it tasted like roofing material.

Kid, if You Need Booze or Drugs to Enjoy Your Life to the Fullest, You're Doing It Wrong.

Crying never helped anybody do anything, okay? You have a problem, you face it like a man.

The world is open for play, that everything and everybody is mockable, in a wonderful way.

Sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

Gentlemen, haven't we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.

Even evangelicals realize that Pinocchio's father was a carpenter too. That's the old joke.

But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be.

Explore an idea until you've exhausted it, really go to all the different parameters of it.

When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

I don't practice anything. I spend time looking over ideas and then just get out and do it.

When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I'm in.

When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that?

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

I just want to do movies, and I want to sell them. I don't want to link up with some product.

Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp and not look bad.

I've had a lot of people tell me they watched 'Old Dogs' with their kids and had a good time.

Compassionate conservative. I don't know what that is, it sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack.

I play a lot of computer games. I love computer graphics. I've had Pixar in me for a long time.

I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

The entire world will be in nuclear war, and only the Swiss will be going, 'what's that noise?'

I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.

Improv. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.

What's my credibility? Why are they looking to me for advice? Isn't there someone more qualified?

Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.

My favorite thing to do is ride a bicycle. I ride road bikes. And for me, it's mobile meditation.

When I'm riding my bicycle I feel like a Buddhist who is happy just to enjoy his mundane existence

If you don't keep pushing the limits, you wake up one day and you're the "center square to block."

I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, Do you mind if we take a break?

Comedy is there to basically show us we fart, we laugh, to make us realize we still are part animal.

My God, look at the size of this man! Quick! Tell the other villagers we're going back to the boats!

I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way.

I loved running, but all of a sudden everything hurt so much. I started cycling when Zelda was born.

To be free. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world.

The improv, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.

If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.

She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other

Sometimes you can have a whole lifetime in a day and never notice that this is a beautiful as it gets.

One of my favourite actors of all time, although he doesn't necessarily play villains, is Peter Lorre.

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