Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.
You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
When I'm not working, I think and I think when I get depressed.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.
People are always talking about the dumbing down of the country.
My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.
The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.
I loathed every day and regret every moment I spent in a school.
In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.
I'm giving [my analyst] one more year--then I'm going to Lourdes.
I can't even make a leap of faith to believe in my own existence.
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?
Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.
If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?
None of the arts are any good unless you really are great at them.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
I don't wanna live on in my work. I wanna live on in my apartment.
Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.
I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.
Dying is like making love, except you don't get naseous afterwards.
Money is not everything, but it is better than having one's health.
I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysenery.
Achilles only had an Achilles heel, I have an entire Achilles body.
Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.
Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.
Enthusiasm is a good engine, but it needs intelligence for a driver.
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
I don't fear death. - I just don't want to be around when it happens.
A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates.
My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.
Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't.
My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it.